Super Psycho Magnet

***An Open Letter to the Asshat (and Asshats everywhere) that likes to open his stupid mouth before he gets the whole story.***

Dear Asshat,

I woke up this morning and as soon as I logged on I got an IM from my best friend, Karyn, telling me to go here. She accompanied the link with this message, “You MUST READ. You will be appalled and laugh all at once.”

Sweet, I thought, I love being appalled first thing in the morning. It was a link to a rather old post that Karyn had linked to a CNN article about the war. After I read the comment there were too many expletives flying through my head to make a complete sentence. Thank you for that. That’s my second favorite thing first thing in the morning.

I don’t remember exactly what the article said and the link has gone bad so I can’t go in and read it again. Many others already know how much I love the media and the propaganda BULLSHIT that they spread. Because the link is defunked I can only guess that the article was about some poor Army guy being misquoted. The fact that I can’t read the article is actually really bothering me because I feel like I could make a much more educated response if I could put the entire thing in context. However, calling you a Douche-bag does make me feel better for the moment.

This part is my favorite.

Everyone knows this. Even the Iraqi people and they don’t want that. How do I know this? Because I’ve spoken personally to hundreds. Can you say that Walter??? Been there???

Why, yes, Douche-Bag. I have been there. Fuck you very much. I spent 6 months there. I got lucky enough to miss the rainy season for the most part but I did get to endure the 140 degree heat. I got to live in a trailer and considered myself lucky to be there. I could smell the hate in the air and see the smoke clouds rising from it. To this day, 6 months later, I still jump at loud noises but don’t think anything of it if I hear a gun shot. That 6 month period turned my life around some for good and some for not so good. We went through hell and many of us are still going through that hell via a little gem called PTSD.

With all of that being said I would do it again in a heartbeat if asked because I know I made a difference to someone. I know I made someone’s life just a little bit better even if only for a little while. I worked in strength management. That meant that I made sure there were replacements for the soldiers that were already been there. Some of them were on the third of fourth tour. A lot of them were volunteers as well. That means that this is the third or fourth year, some in a row, that these people are going to be away from their families and friends. They had to go through the long good-bye process for the third or forth time knowing there’s a possibility they’re not coming home.

I’ve been through that Good-bye process. I would recommend that you try it but I pray to whatever God I can that no one would have to go through that, because I wouldn’t want anyone else to know that pain.

So you sit there and be a couch-commando. You make snippy little comments about things that you OBVIOUSLY don’t know about. If you had taken the time to read on for about 30 more seconds you would have realized where that post came from. You would have realized it was written by a woman who had the balls to raise her hand once again and say, “Yes, I will go. I will go to that war-zone and serve my country. I will leave my family and friends not knowing when or if I’ll be back. I will NOT ask for anything in return, and I will be grateful if I simply get a Thank You.”

A woman just like me.

So, Douche-bag. Next time you want to make comments about someone not supporting the troops you better make god-damned sure you know who you’re talking to and what you’re talking about.

Sincerely,

Walter Bean
Chief of Master Plans

It’s been a long time coming but I’ve finally uploaded the pictures.

Ladies and Gentleman! May I present… The Door Incident!

On the days that my boss does not have his radio on I get to turn the TV on a news channel so I can at least listen to something. Today was one of those fortunate days. I turned on the Pentagon Channel because the regular AFN news channel had Fox News on, and anyone that knows me knows that I HATE Fox News. So, I’ve been listening to Military Reporters all morning. They’re mostly lower enlisted some good in front of a camera, some not so good. But, I digress.

They did a story that started out like any other. Talking about some kid somewhere that is doing something to help the troops in Iraq. Seemed to be normal Pentagon Channel reporting. Then I heard something that sounded, well, silly.

This kid has taken an idea from two separate women in New Jersey and California and started a similar collection… of silly string. They can use it to detect a trip wire that would usually be invisible. The can is light enough to carry with them and, in theory, the product itself is light enough to detect a wire without setting off any explosives. That’s not to even go into the hours of fun to be had in the off-duty hours.

Maybe this isn’t news to everyone else but this is the first time I’ve heard about it and I would like to donate some myself. If you want to get silly with me there are two addresses to at the bottom of this page that you can mail cans to. They will also accept money to help to defray shipping costs and other expenses.

I recently took a trip on a C-130 from Baghdad to Kuwait. Oh what fun C-130 rides are. It had been a while since I had taken one and there were some things that I forgot about that I would like to warn everyone else about now:

1. Get used to not having ANY personal space. Your neighbors are now your best friends whether you like it or not. You will not have a personal bubble while there are close to 100 people on bench-type seats in 4 rows that go from the front of the plane to the back.

2. If you have to use the bathroom… Don’t. Seriously. Try to hold it. Make sure you go before you board and hold it for as long as you can. I knew there was a toilet on the plane. I had just never seen it. At least, I thought I hadn’t. Picture mid-air and you’ve been holding it for a while. You’re near the front and you’ve got to get to the back. You take all your gear off and start trying to walk. You step very carefully, trying not to step or fall on someone else. You get half-way back and not you’ve got to climb on top of the seats, balancing on the edge while trying not step or fall on everyone else while traveling through turbulence. **PHEW** That gets done with. Now… where is that bathroom. A crewmember points it out. You look back it him with that ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ look. He just points again… The bathroom that you’ve worked so hard to get to is on a platform. Completely open to the plane. It’s a toilet on a platform. The only thing that gives you any privacy is what I can best describe as an over-glorified weighted shower curtain.

3. Last but not least. There will be turbulence. Get used to it. It is your friend. The only thing you can do is hold on to the net that’s holding you up, smile at the guy across from you, and hope you’re through it soon.

This is going to be the first in a series of things that I’ve been meaning to write about. When I left Baghdad it was somewhat abrupt. I had plans to spend the night with my friends and plans got moved up at last minute and I know there were some of you that I had planned to meet, that I didn’t get to see. For this I am truly sorry. However, there are a few things that I meant to say to some people that I didn’t get a chance to. I would like to take this opportunity to say some of those things now. Here goes nothing (in no particular order).

Karyn – You are the best friend that one could ask for. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You are the Angel that stuck with me through Hell.

Jocelyn – I could not have made it through this tour with out you.

Wally – We should have played more Pirate’s Revenge more often.

Nick – Suck it.

Jimmy – Thank you for taking the time to make Café’ Baba’s. It was a nice get away from daily life. It gives people something to look forward to every Wednesday and Sunday.

Ray Ray – Thank’s for the infor stuff on Hawaii. Next time I see you maybe it will be there!?!?

Brandon – I’m glad that I had the chance to get to know you better.

Katie – You are a ray of sunshine. Thank you.

Marlou – I forgive you for hitting me in the face with a rock. I have bad aim too. I understand.

L.J. – You still give the best hugs even with an M-16 in the way.

Dan – I’ll always remember flicking burning cherries while talking about shaving cats.

Hazel – It was always nice to see your smiling face and that smile was there every time I saw you.

Steve – I’m sorry I didn’t get to spend more “quality time” with you. Maybe one day we’ll get another change.

For the rest of that people that made an impact on my life… Thank you. I can never tell you just how much you meant to me. If I didn’t include your name in here it’s probably because I already talked to you in person. If not, feel free to leave me a comment and bitch me out. That’s cool too.

It’s Peanut Butter and Jelly time!

It’s good to know that most of us have kept our sense of humor while being out here.

Most of the time I don’t remember my dreams. If at all, it’s usually very little. I’ve been having one for the past week or two now that is really starting to disturb me. It’s part nightmare, part something else that I’m not quite sure about.

It starts out with me and my boss talking about something and making plans to go over to her house. I always see her driving away and up this long winding road to her house. For some reason I never get a ride with her. I always have to walk. I start walking abd right before I get to her house there’s one corner that I’m afraid to walk past. There’s no possible way a car could fit on this road because it’s barely big enough for me to walk on. But, everytime I turn the corner, my boss is getting out of the same car I just saw her dirve away in.

We go inside and there is another woman with us and they start talking about plans to go somewhere else. At this point a guy always shows up. In my dream I know this guy but in real life I have no idea who he is. Anyway… when my boss leaves with her friend she puts me in charge of taking care of small dogs. Well, me being the animal lover I am, am pretty excited about it. Here’s where things start to get weird.

The dogs get outside (or I put them outside to play, I’m not sure). As soon as I close the door, 3 HUGE dogs show up. There’s an all brown one, a black and tan one and one that loooks like a German Sheperd. Now, when I saw huge, I mean HUAGE! I’m talking their shoulders are up to my chest. And they’re mean. They don’t bare their teeth right away but trust me, it doesn’t take long. They’re mean to. They start chasing after the dogs that I’ve been put in charge of, trying to eat them.

The first time I had this dream I was able to get all the dogs inside and get the doors closed before anyone got hurt.

The second time I was unsuccessful. The three dogs killed the smalls dogs that I was put in chrage of. Then they came after me and my friend. I guess after the last time I had this dream the dogs got smart and learned how to open doors. I had a false sense of security because I thought as long as I was in the house they couldn’t get me.

They got my friend first. At least I think they did. I just know that he wasn’t around when they finally got to me but I never got the feeling that he ran away either. Actually, I’m really not sure what happened to him. All I know is I was in the kitchen trying to hide and the brown one found me. It never occured to me to try and defend myself and to kill him. Once I knew that he had found me I stayed still and he came over and started eating my stomach. That’s when I woke up.

I would like to dedicate this post to my roommate, Karyn.

First I would like to apologize. I’m not an easy person to live with. I’m messy (not slobby, there’s a difference). I’m loud. I snore. There are a lot of nights that I don’t sleep well and I’m sure my tossing and turning OR my laptop pounding keeps her up. For all these reasons I am truely sorry.

Secondly, I want to say that I do not think I could have survived this place with out her. She has kept me sane and driven me nuts all at the same time. I think the term, “Through Hell and High Water” actually apply here quite well. She is the best friend that I could have hoped for. She is the Angel in this Hell.

This one’s for you, Karyn!

I walk out on the balcony Friday to talk to my friend, Steve.

Steve: “I just talked to some guy named Titus at the DFAC.”

Me: “Oh. My. God. Chris Titus?”

Steve: “Yeah. Is that good?”

Me: “You just talked to Chris Titus?”

Steve: “Yeah. Blond hair all over the place?”

Me: “You have no idea who that is, do you?”

Steve: “No, should I?”

Me: “Probably not, but he used to have a show on FOX and he’s really funny.”

To most of you this probably isn’t that big of a deal. We’ve got people coming to do shows here a good amount of the time. Problem is no one has ever heard of them.

I remember the first tour I saw come through my office. My friend Bill came up to my boss and I and said, “Hey, do you want to meet someone famous?” We asked who and he told us the name of the band and I said, “Who the fu*k is that?” Much to my dismay (and theirs, in fact) they were standing right behind him. Oops.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way. I find it very moving that people are willing to come out here and entertain us. I am very greatful as well. They don’t have to come out here and I know the budget MWR and the USO work off of so I know how little these people are getting paid. When someone comes out here I know it’s because they care. They are doing it for the troops and no amount of saying Thank You will ever show how greatful I really am.

However, most of the time these visitors aren’t so… well known. We’ve had everthing from cheerleading squads (They actually got a standing ovation in the DFAC. Are you kidding me?) to professional wrestlers. Most of the time I’m honestly not that interested in meeting them. Again, not that I’m not greatful that they’re here, but most of the time I’m actually busy working.

It finally happened on Friday. Someone I’ve heard of AND someone that I wanted to meet. I was so excited. And tired.

I came home from work with full intention to see the show. I putzed around on the computer, ate some dinner, then the flu shot I got a week ago kicked it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to sleep. Karyn came home and I didn’t even pick up my head to say Hi. I just kept on sleeping. About an hour later I got a text from her telling me that I had to come out and see the show because she was about to pee her pants. Damn, it’s almost over, I thought. The one person that I really had interest in seeing and the show must have been at least half way through.

I got my coat and shoes on and headed out. I had to stop by the bathroom because I knew if Karyn was close to peeing herself it would probably be a good idea for me to go before I had an accident too. After that endeavor I walked over. To my surprise and joy I hadn’t missed too much of the show. Karyn and I also noticed that we laugh the same and at the same time in some cases. That was really weird. It’s like hearing yourself laugh on a tape recorder but while you’re still laughing. Creepy.

I did miss the whole opening act but that’s ok too.

The best part… I did get to meet him and talk to him for a few minutes. I was also smart enough to take my camera so I got a couple pictures too. I’m really happy about that one!

“Hey, Hunter S. Thompson’s wife has a blog!”

“Why doesn’t Hunter S. Thompson have a blog?”

“Because he’s dead.”

“Oh.”