Super Psycho Magnet

I am so devistated. I don’t think I can go on.

I will NEVER watch American Idol EVER again! Not that I’ve really watched it for the past two seasons. The very little I’ve seen this season I knew, or thought I knew, who the winner was going to be. At least, I know who the winner should have been.

Melinda Doolittle. My little gem. I’m so sorry that you got booted. If I had a tv that played more than one channel I might have voted for you. Actually, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t have voted. I never vote. I watch the shows that you’re supposed to vote on but I never vote.

Melinda Doolittle gave me chills everytime I heard he sing. She has a beautiful voice and I know we’ll see her again but for now the sting of America voting for the wrong person hurts too much to think about it much longer.

I hope you enjoy her singing, “As Long As He Needs Me” from Oliver!

I picked In Repair by John Mayer for today because, again, that’s how I’m feeling. The last chorus holds particularly true.

Oh it’s taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unready
Oh I’m never really ready, I’m never really ready
I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there
I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there

For the first time since I got back from Iraq I feel like things are getting better. As most of you already know it’s been one thing piling on top of another, on top of another, on top of another. The stress of being moved around so much has taken its toll on me and I’m sure at this point it shows. My weight has been fluctuating by about 20 pounds and my eyes are visibly worn, at least to the reflection that I have to look at every morning. I have the following things to be excited about and look forward to:

1. I’ve enrolled myself into 2 Photography classes and a Photoshop class at the University of Hawaii Outreach College. There I’ll learn how to (finally) use the beast of a camera I bought as my birthday present and how to fix the pictures so they’re prettier.

2. The Outreach College also has a Web Design Certificate program that looks awesome! I will finally be able to, literally, be the master of my domain.

3. I’m closer to my Bachelor’s than I thought. When I had my credits analyzed with University of Maryland, University College (UMUC) I had a Humanities major with a psychology minor. Honestly, I just picked that as a minor to see what they would say. If I drop it, that means 18 credits will also be dropped leaving me with 35 credits left vice the original 53 they told me.

4. I’m in line to be interviewed by Matthew from Into The Air for his book. This is an amazing 9 year old that is interviewing 100 different people from all walks of life and writing a book about them. His blog says that he’s going to donate his proceeds to the Humane Society. (If you want to be interviewed send him an e-mail and you’ll get on the list. Last time I counted I was in 36th in line.)

5. The stuff that was in storage is now on its way to Hawaii. I finally got it straightened out last week and I confirmed with Pearl Harbor that it’s on its way. It’s still going to take a long time to get here but at least I know its coming. I also got an apology from Norfolk about the handling of the situation. However, that does not mean that I’m not going to complain to everyone who will listen AFTER my stuff is delivered.

6. My sister and brother-in-law are coming to visit. That in itself makes me ethereally happy.

With all this, I know I’m still not out of the woods and there are still going to be days that I sleep until 4 pm and nights that I cry for no apparent reason but at least I know things are getting better.

I’m bringing sexy back
Them other boys donno know how to act
I think your special, whats behind your back
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack.

Take em’ to the bridge

Dirty babe
You see these shackles
Baby, I’m your slave

These are the words that I wake up to every morning. My phone is my alarm clock until I can procure myself Clocky. (By the way, I just found out that you will soon be able to get Clocky in SHAG!)

My alarm goes off at 4:40 am. I usually hit the snooze button 4 to 5 times and the snooze lasts for 5 minutes. That means for the first 20 to 25 minutes of the day I hear Justin Timberlake sing screech in my ear about bringing sexy back. I say screech not out of hate, and not because I don’t like the song, but out of the fact that NO ONE actually sings at 4:40 am, not the birds outside my window, not even Julie Andrews and certainly NOT Justin Timberlake.

I don’t know what it is about this song. I really don’t. I’ve got many other songs on my phone that would probably be nicer to wake up to. Songs that are less offensive like Blues Traveler, Hook and Britany Spears, Toxic.

There’s just something about Justin Timberlake that wakes me up in the morning.

As I was eating pancakes and watching The Soup today (which is a particularly good episode, by the way) they showed a small clip of the Mr. T classic Treat Your Mother Right, it reminded me it’s Mother’s Day. I went through many different songs with the word Mother in it. From Danzig, John Lennon and Pink Floyd I just couldn’t find one that fit properly. So, I sat down to think some more. I wanted to pick a song that meant something to me and my Mother. A song that reminds me of the good times. I’ve finally got it.

As only Michelle Pfeiffer could sing… This one is for you, Mom…

Cool Rider

If you really want to know
What I want in a guy…
Well, I’m lookin’ for a dream on a mean machine
With hell in his eyes.
I want a devil in skin tight leather,
And he’s gonna be wild as the wind.
And one fine night, I’ll be holdin’ on tight…

To a coooool rider, a coooool rider.
If he’s cool enough,
He can burn me through and through.
Whhoa ohhhh
If it takes forever,
Then I’ll wait forever.
No ordinary boy,
No ordinary boy is gonna do.
I want a rider that’s cool.

That’s the way it’s gonna be,
And that’s the way that I feel.
I want a whole lot more than the boy next door,
I want hell on wheels.
Just give me a fine motorcycle,
With a man growin’ out of the seat.
And move aside, cause I’m gonna ride…

(Chorus)

I don’t want no ordinary guys,
Comin’ on strong to me.
They don’t know what I’m lookin’ for,
They don’t know what I need.
They’re gonna know when he gets here,
Cause the crowd will be shakin’.
I’ll do anything to let him know,
That I’m his, his for the takin’.

I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a coooooool rider,
A cool, cool, cool, cool rider.
I want a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.
I need a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.

Chillin’

Betsy making new friends.

Betsy and Pupu, right before he snapped at her. Of course, if my name was Pupu I’d snap too!

Betsy rests after LOTS of running with other pups.

This is dedicated to my pup, Betsy. She turned 6 months old the other day and to celebrate we went to the puppy park for the first time. I was entirely too worried about her running off, biting the head off another dog, or just being a general spaz to take pictures of her having fun. We went again today and I got some decent shots. (There are more up in my flickr account too.)

She’s incredibly smart. She knows what floor to get off on in the apartment building which is something I’m still having issues with. I keep trying to get off on the third floor and she just looks up with that “where-do-you-think-you’re-going-stupid” look. She also knows when it’s time for me to leave she goes in the crate. It’s to the point that I can just say “crate”, get a treat and turn away from the door and she books for the crate. She does, however, seem determined to prove me wrong because as we speak she is staring at the mirror growling at her reflection while eating plastic.

I would like to say that it was vast knowledge of obsecure music that lead me to the song for today. However, I cheated. I had to Google for a song with Betsy in the lyrics. I got a Beach Boys song, a band called Heaven’s to Betsy and the song that I actually picked is called Love Betsy by Big Head Todd and the Monsters. The lyrics don’t really mean anything unless you want to consider that I got her from the Humane Society and she had already been in there 2 other times so, she was looking for love and she did find someone to love her. We found each other just when we needed it the most.

Love Betsy
Big Head Todd and the Monsters

She left her father, been thirty years.
She drew some water, to dry his tears.
She said I’m sorry, I’ve been lonely. I need another …

She crossed through deserts and rivers wide.
She walked through valleys and mountains high.
She crossed the seas, through storm and night
To find a lover …

Love Betsy.
Somebody is going to love you some day.

She worked the night shift, to buy a dress.
She’d break her back. She’d look her best.
She’d sell her soul for tenderness.
But she’s still waiting …

Love Betsy.
Somebody is going to love you some day.

(And, yes I know I’m still a day behind with songs. I promise it’s just because I’ve hit a lazy spell. I’m hoping to get over it soon.

The song I’ve picked for today is called “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s because I heard it on the way to work this morning and so I’ve been singing it all day. Then, as I sat down to write this I checked the other blogs I check on a regular basis and Matthew from Into The Air just posted about his new kitten. It’s an all black cat named (can you guess?) Delilah! I figured after reading that, it was meant to be.

It’s a nice little song that up until about 5 minutes ago I just knew a few bits a pieces. Now that I’ve read all the lyrics I like it even more. It’s very sweet and it makes me hope that Delilah doesn’t get drunk and screw some guy, contracting herpes and leaving them both heartbroken (and leaving her itchy). Sadly, this is most likely their fate.

I digress.

“Hey There Delilah”

Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

Hey there Delilah
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise
I’m by your side

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I’ll pay the bills with this guitar
We’ll have it good
We’ll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I’d write it all
Even more in love with me you’d fall
We’d have it all

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you’re to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don’t you miss me
Two more years and you’ll be done with school
And I’ll be making history like I do
You know it’s all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here’s to you
This ones for you

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me.

As you may have noticed I’ve been focusing on the negatives surrounding my life recently. Well, I’m going to try and stop doing that. I’ve made a new page (just to your right if you’re looking at the screen, heh.) called, “Things That Made Me Happy Today.” It’s a dated list of small things that I can think about that made me happy on a day to day basis. I started this on Friday and I’ll try to update it everyday but there are guarantees. You’d have to have sunshine coming out of your ass to have thing to be happy about every single day.
Moving on…

Today was a shit day. Complete shit. No two ways about it. I got the news today that my Household Goods shipment is lost. No one knows where it is. Norfolk doesn’t have it like I was told for a year now. They said it’s in Fort Belvoir. Fort Belvoir says they have no records of ever receiving it. Awesome.

My furniture is replaceable. I was probably going to do that anyway. The same thing with my bed. I’ve already bought a new one. What isn’t replaceable are things like the pictures of Wilson’s fashion show (remember that one?), the doll my Mom got me for Christmas that scares the hell out of my friends and the shopping carts that I’ve acquired.

DVD’s, CD’s, pots, pans, and TV sets I can buy again. If it does happen that everything is lost forever I will get a $40,000 pay out. The pictures and the memories that I have stored in those boxes are what I’ll never be able to buy.

On to my song for the day. Today I’ve picked the song that cheered me up on the way home from work. I don’t know why it happened but it did to the point that I was dancing in my car, to the elevator and all the way to my apartment. Today’s song is, What I Got by Sublime. I know, not the most intellectual of songs but neither is Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta. However, for a few minutes it made me forget all the troubles that I’ve dealt with all day. Thank you, Brad Nowell! You totally made my day!

My 30 days of Song isn’t going very well. So far I’ve posted a very nice song and a very angsty song, then I took 3 days off. In any case, today I’m playing catch up.

My first song today is called Fake Palindromes by Andrew Bird. The lyrics that stick out in my mind the most are these:

certain fads, stripes and plaids, singles ads
they run you hot and cold like a rheostat, i mean a thermostat
so you bite on a towel
hope it won’t hurt too bad

When you put the lyrics with the music it sounds fantastic.

My next song is Parting Gift by Fiona Apple. Her entire album, “Extraordinary Machine,” helped me get through a rougher time and whenever I’m feeling a little blue I can listen to this and think of her words and I feel just a little bit better. The album is kind of set up like a story. It starts with her loving herself, getting hurt, going though different stages of “recovery” then ending with everything be better once again. This song is right in the middle.

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time, the signs
Said ‘Stop’ - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said ‘Stop’ - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

My last song, is quite a bit different. It’s Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta by Geto Boys. Don’t ask me why. The song came into my head 4 days ago and I haven’t been able to get rid of it. I don’t know how many of you listen to rap on a regular basis, I don’t myself. However if you’ve ever seen Office Space you’ve heard the song before. I’ve been reading the lyrics over and over again and I finally found my favorite. This was by no means an easy choice though.

Real gangsta-ass niggas don’t talk much
All ya hear is the black from the gun blast
And real gangsta-ass niggas don’t run for shit
Cuz real gangsta-ass niggas can’t run fast

Right. I think that brings me up to speed. I will think and think on it all night long until I can find the perfect song.

I don’t know what it is lately but I’ve been in a very angsty mood. The only writing I do is on here but I’m sure if I ever did try my hand at poetry it would wind up being Cringe-worthy.

My song for today is quite angsty. It’s called Hate Me by Blue October. There are parts that are things that I would like to have the courage to tell someone and there are parts that I wish someone else had the courage to tell me.

That’s about all I’ve got to say about this song so without further ado…

Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you
so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head
that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride,
a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me
just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months
it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart
is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you
for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away
that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart
to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say
bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street
for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry
and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back
and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered
“How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you’re sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can’t believe you actually picked me

I realize I did not do the best at posting yesterday. It’s because I said I was going to. I know it. It’s like when I was helping my Mom make a cheesecake for some holiday. She said, out of no where, “Don’t drop the egg shell into the batter.” As I turned to look at her like, “Why the hell would I do that? I’ve never done that bef…” the egg shell slipped out of my hands, into the batter. If she hadn’t said anything I would have never done it. Just like I’ve been steadily posting everyday for the past week or so, once I say I’m going to post, I don’t. :::sigh:::

My new camera was supposed to be waiting for me when I got home yesterday. At least, according to the UPS website it was waiting for me. I got home a little early because I worked through lunch, I went to my mailbox, and I got nothin’. No camera. That’s when I felt like my world crashed.

Seriously, everything that had built up in the past week came out. Poor Betsy didn’t know what to do with herself. I just laid there and stared at the ceiling with heavy, tired, and worn out eyes. I tried to go to sleep and I wasn’t able to. I just laid there for almost 2 hours doing nothing.

I got up, fed the dog and went to take her out. When I got outside my door there was a UPS sticky. I had heard someone brush past my door about 45 minutes before but I thought it was a drunk trying to get back to his apartment and randomly touching doors. I can say this because I’ve done it before trying to find my own apartment. Anyway, the UPS guy had been to my apartment building and left a box with the security guard. “Could it be? Could it be the box I’ve been waiting so patiently for? Or could it be something, someone said they were going to mail me?” :::ahem::: (Editor’s note: If you think you are guilty of this you can make it up to me by sending me what you said you were going to or by going to amazon.com and looking up my wish list and buying me something from there. The list is under the_mollusk@hotmail.com. Yes, I am easy to please and material things do make me sublimly happy.)

I high-tailed it downstairs. Of course the guard was on rounds so I had to wait outside his office for a good 10 minutes. He got back and I signed for my box. JOY! Guess what it was?

That’s right. My fantastic new Canon. In all its 6.0 mega pixel glory with optical Image Stabilizer, which is awesome when you shake like Michael J. Fox, like I do. I realize it’s not the most glamorous of cameras but it’ll do for what I need it for.

So, as my ups and downs go, everything is right with the world once again. All it took was the majesty of a Powershot. And it’s all this that’s lead up to my song.

My friend, Lindsay, introduced me to a singer called Amy Steinberg a few months ago. She’s wonderful. I really like her stuff and I’m happy that Lindsay introduced me to her.

There is one song of hers in particular that I really like. It’s a song called Exactly. You can read the lyrics here. (I would like to be able to link directly to her site but it’s a stupid Flash site… and I HATE flash sites.)

Anyway, the first part of the song is the part that repeats over and over in my head. It’s the part that I sing to myself when I start to get down. I think really it’s the part of the song that I repeat over and over again to try and convince myself that I’m here for a reason and that reason is a good one.

I am exactly where I need to be
I need to be exactly where I am.
I am a blessing manifest
I can undress the moment
naked time unwinds beneath my mind
and from within I find the type of beauty
only I can find