I know it’s been a while and I know that I don’t write often enough. It’s not that I’ve been waiting for something good to talk about, I’ve had plenty of wonderful things happen in the past few months. I have hundreds of pictures I could post and more stories to tell then you could shake a stick at. As I work in Baltimore City, I have more passive-aggressive notes left on cars that park like assholes and more open letters then I can currently recall.
There was something about this post that I can across today. Something that made a flame grow deep in the cockles of my heart. Something I’m sure you will understand once you continue reading.
While reading my stories (blogs from my Reader) today I came across a link to something that was mighty interesting… er… offensive… er… different. It’s a list of “25 New Rules for the Modern Woman.” Now, I’m coo-coo for feminism or whatever but I am offended by the stereotypes women face.
So, here goes nothing. Here is my response to the 25 New Rules for Modern Woman.
(((Mom, Dad. You may want to stop reading. This is going to get ugly.)))
1. If you didn’t think ahead far enough to DVR your show then it’s fair game. There’s probably something to be done around the house and we’re probably tired of all by ourselves.
2. Entourage is fine. We like it too. Watching Vince bang as many no-name, no-face women is awesome. Carrie is a whore and we never really liked watching her either. Blame society for not making more strong female leads and walk the fucking dog.
3. Phone conversations are necessary because you usually become a useless blob once you get home. We try to keep you on the phone for as long as possible because we’re doing our best to make you happy… and so we don’t interrupt you once Entourage is on.
4. Any discussion had with your mother is because you won’t tell us anything. Deal with it or start talking more.
5. If you think your woman is faking her orgasms, maybe you should take a better look at what you’re doing wrong. If you know your woman is faking her orgasms then you should just pack it in all together. I don’t fake and I won’t fake. Ever. It’s rewarding someone for something they did not do. Think of it as your kindergarten teacher telling you that you did a good job after spelling your name wrong. Twice. (BTW, Grand Theft Auto is the shit.)
6. You’re going to care what’s for dinner when it actually becomes “Shit on a Stick”. If you’re not careful that’s what you’re getting.
7. You probably want to be concerned with the menstrual cycles of my friends. The thing is when women hang out together for long enough their cycles will synchronize. If my cycle isn’t where my friends cycle is you should be very fucking worried.
8. No worries if you don’t want to make the bed. We’ll go back to, “You made your bed, now you can lay in it.” You don’t want to make it, you don’t have to lay in it either.
9. We grew up playing video games too. It doesn’t bother us when you play. What bothers us is when you hog the control and don’t let us have a turn.
10. I think the goldren rule applies here. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. Being a pagan I live by what you do comes back to you times three. So you should make sure you seat is in the up-right position and your tray tables are locked.
11. As soon as you’re willing to let me shove an 8 inch object up your ass, we’ll talk about anal sex.
12. We are not to be bothered during John Hughes movies.
13. The reverse mullet is for Halloween only. You can buy it for $15 at costume shops. Anyone that considers getting it is probably just trying to get a rise out of you. Or she’s fucking nuts.
14. We calls ‘em as we sees ‘em.
15. We can drink you under the table. You can stick it up your balls if you don’t like it. You should be proud.
16. Heals are fun and they’re sexy. Just be happy that you have a woman who wants to be sexy for you.
17. Naked pictures of ex-girlfriends are fine as long as you don’t mind the actual romantic love letters we keep from our ex’s. We won’t keep ours if you don’t keep yours.
18. We may remember ‘Blow Job Week” if you’ll remember four-play for the other 27 days out of the month.
19. We are allowed to go to Las Vegas or Amsterdam by ourselves too. Think about that.
20. Trainers are trainers and while we’re at the gym we’re probably just thinking about what as asshole the trainer is (by making us do hard work.) My old trainer, Shane, was awesome but I told him on a daily basis what a fucker he was.
21. If we were ever allowed to play Indigo Girls in the car we would totally wait for “our turn”. However, you’re music-too-loud selfishness makes us make due. Deal with is or turn the fucking music down.
22. We are Daddy’s Little Girls. Our Dads think you are a pussy. No matter what you’re doing or where.
23. If you don’t want us to be left alone with our families, don’t leave us alone with yours. What goes around, comes around.
24. There are clothes that are less flattering then others. If we ask it’s because we’re trying not to look like cows when in public with you. Honesty is key. That said please remember that it won’t always get you laid. (((Remember. Telling a girl, “I thought you were trying to lose weight?!?” will end badly. Always.)))
25. You can act however you choose to in front of your friends. Remember that it was your choice. No one forced you into it. And I hope you can live with you consequences.
Since I read the original post there has been another come back posted on the same site that is worth reading. You can read it here Enjoy.