Super Psycho Magnet

These are just a few of my favorite texts that I’ve saved over the past few months. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. And, No. There will no no explanation of what any of them mean. Not so surprisingly, they’ve all come from the same person.

“I’m in the lobby kissing hands and shaking babies.”

“Close the fuckin door. There’s a chupacabra out there!”

“I’ll be the guy in charge of stealing the fat from the lipo clinic.”

“Explain, in detail, the northern migration of the chupacabra citing weather patterns and recent industrial activity.”

- “Bonus: Draw a picture of a chupacabra defending it’s nest from human intruders.”

“That’s just what we need. A deer turning tricks in the back yard.”

“That’s why Jesus invented night vision.”

“We can find a baby for you to kick this weekend.”

I know it’s been a while and I know that I don’t write often enough. It’s not that I’ve been waiting for something good to talk about, I’ve had plenty of wonderful things happen in the past few months. I have hundreds of pictures I could post and more stories to tell then you could shake a stick at. As I work in Baltimore City, I have more passive-aggressive notes left on cars that park like assholes and more open letters then I can currently recall.

There was something about this post that I can across today. Something that made a flame grow deep in the cockles of my heart. Something I’m sure you will understand once you continue reading.

While reading my stories (blogs from my Reader) today I came across a link to something that was mighty interesting… er… offensive… er… different. It’s a list of “25 New Rules for the Modern Woman.” Now, I’m coo-coo for feminism or whatever but I am offended by the stereotypes women face.

So, here goes nothing. Here is my response to the 25 New Rules for Modern Woman.

(((Mom, Dad. You may want to stop reading. This is going to get ugly.)))

1. If you didn’t think ahead far enough to DVR your show then it’s fair game. There’s probably something to be done around the house and we’re probably tired of all by ourselves.

2. Entourage is fine. We like it too. Watching Vince bang as many no-name, no-face women is awesome. Carrie is a whore and we never really liked watching her either. Blame society for not making more strong female leads and walk the fucking dog.

3. Phone conversations are necessary because you usually become a useless blob once you get home. We try to keep you on the phone for as long as possible because we’re doing our best to make you happy… and so we don’t interrupt you once Entourage is on.

4. Any discussion had with your mother is because you won’t tell us anything. Deal with it or start talking more.

5. If you think your woman is faking her orgasms, maybe you should take a better look at what you’re doing wrong. If you know your woman is faking her orgasms then you should just pack it in all together. I don’t fake and I won’t fake. Ever. It’s rewarding someone for something they did not do. Think of it as your kindergarten teacher telling you that you did a good job after spelling your name wrong. Twice. (BTW, Grand Theft Auto is the shit.)

6. You’re going to care what’s for dinner when it actually becomes “Shit on a Stick”. If you’re not careful that’s what you’re getting.

7. You probably want to be concerned with the menstrual cycles of my friends. The thing is when women hang out together for long enough their cycles will synchronize. If my cycle isn’t where my friends cycle is you should be very fucking worried.

8. No worries if you don’t want to make the bed. We’ll go back to, “You made your bed, now you can lay in it.” You don’t want to make it, you don’t have to lay in it either.

9. We grew up playing video games too. It doesn’t bother us when you play. What bothers us is when you hog the control and don’t let us have a turn.

10. I think the goldren rule applies here. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. Being a pagan I live by what you do comes back to you times three. So you should make sure you seat is in the up-right position and your tray tables are locked.

11. As soon as you’re willing to let me shove an 8 inch object up your ass, we’ll talk about anal sex.

12. We are not to be bothered during John Hughes movies.

13. The reverse mullet is for Halloween only. You can buy it for $15 at costume shops. Anyone that considers getting it is probably just trying to get a rise out of you. Or she’s fucking nuts.

14. We calls ‘em as we sees ‘em.

15. We can drink you under the table. You can stick it up your balls if you don’t like it. You should be proud.

16. Heals are fun and they’re sexy. Just be happy that you have a woman who wants to be sexy for you.

17. Naked pictures of ex-girlfriends are fine as long as you don’t mind the actual romantic love letters we keep from our ex’s. We won’t keep ours if you don’t keep yours.

18. We may remember ‘Blow Job Week” if you’ll remember four-play for the other 27 days out of the month.

19. We are allowed to go to Las Vegas or Amsterdam by ourselves too. Think about that.

20. Trainers are trainers and while we’re at the gym we’re probably just thinking about what as asshole the trainer is (by making us do hard work.) My old trainer, Shane, was awesome but I told him on a daily basis what a fucker he was.

21. If we were ever allowed to play Indigo Girls in the car we would totally wait for “our turn”. However, you’re music-too-loud selfishness makes us make due. Deal with is or turn the fucking music down.

22. We are Daddy’s Little Girls. Our Dads think you are a pussy. No matter what you’re doing or where.

23. If you don’t want us to be left alone with our families, don’t leave us alone with yours. What goes around, comes around.

24. There are clothes that are less flattering then others. If we ask it’s because we’re trying not to look like cows when in public with you. Honesty is key. That said please remember that it won’t always get you laid. (((Remember. Telling a girl, “I thought you were trying to lose weight?!?” will end badly. Always.)))

25. You can act however you choose to in front of your friends. Remember that it was your choice. No one forced you into it. And I hope you can live with you consequences.

Since I read the original post there has been another come back posted on the same site that is worth reading. You can read it here Enjoy.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I have no excuse other then I’ve been lazy. It seems for about the past year the only thing I’ve really posted were updates telling you that I’m going to start posting again. As much as I would like to say this time is going to be different, I can’t make any promises.

This blog hasn’t been forgotten. I think about it on almost a daily basis, actually. My thoughts run along the line of, “I should really blog more.” Then I get lost in a smoky sea of beer and cigarettes and wind up crying on my dogs shoulder over something stupid, like the dead duck I saw in the middle of the road. (More on the one later.)

I don’t know what changed, other then every single thing in my life. From moving back to Maryland to getting separated from the Navy to major changes in daily operations, it’s been a really long year. As I sit on the cusp of another huge life change I wonder why I’ve stopped chronicling my thoughts, hopes, fears and shit that I think is just funny. One of my therapists said that journaling is the best way to get things off your chest and I supposed that when I decided that I didn’t need my meds anymore I didn’t need to do anything to keep myself sane. For the past few months I’ve been bottling everything and play the Fine Game. Maybe now that I see myself in a place where I’m thinking about going back on meds, all I really need to do is to start blogging again.

Maybe these are just ramblings of a crazy person. I don’t know.

What I do know is that most of the blogs that I follow have taken a similar hiatus and, while it makes me feel better, is no excuse. Does this mean that I’m actually going to start writing on a regular basis? Probably not. I can say that I am going to make a more conscience effort.

There was a 30 minute conference call at my office today. It included everyone through out the entire company in many different states. What was being talked about didn’t apply to me so much because of when I was hired. Everyone was safely tucked in their cubes so I took the time to take some pictures with my camera phone.

The bumble bee toe socks I wore today because the weather was crappy. Have YOU ever heard of something bad happening to someone wearing bumble bee toe socks?

The label maker that motivates me to go to work in the morning.

The creepy-ass doll that looks over my desk. I have nightmares about her but she’s the office mascot.

The wellies I wore to work today. Again, have you heard of something bad happening to anyone wearing wellies?

Sometimes I go cross-eyed and let some crazy out.

Dear Sir,

I should start by apologizing for this apology being slightly after the fact. After 14 years some would say that it’s too little too late, but hey, what’s a few years between friends?

When I first saw you, I was 11 years old. I thought you were cute even under all that cake make-up, straw hat and overalls. The first time I actually meet you was the first week, of my first year in high school. It was the first Drama Club meeting of the year. That was the day I got my nickname for the rest of the year. ((My sister had graduated 3 years prior so the people that were freshmen when my sister graduated were seniors when I was a freshman.)) For the rest of the year I was known as the Little Sister.

Moving on, I remember watching you as Sergent-at-Arms and thinking about how cute you were. I also remember thinking that you could never like someone so much younger, and you probably already had a girlfriend, and I should probably just shut up and go about my business.

I didn’t. No surprise there. Somehow I worked my way into your group of friends and made my own mark. And you did notice me. And somehow we started dating.

I think it was the fact most of my friends were seniors that brought on my delusions of grandeur. I was the only freshman I knew who was hanging out with the cool Drama Club seniors (Jesus H. Christ, I’m a nerd). When someone suffers from the feeling of being much greater then they really are they tend to take things for granted. They tend to take people for granted.

That’s exactly what I did to you. You were always good to me. You opened doors and always paid for my way. We talked for hours on the phone and in person. You comforted me when I was upset. You were the only person to visit me when I had mono for three weeks, knowing that you would inevitably get sick too (and you did).

For all that you did for me, the only thing I have to do is apologize for the way I treated you.

It’s really easy to sit here and say that it was because I was young and I didn’t know any better. I knew right from wrong by the time I was five. It really boils down to the fact that I was a brat, and maybe I still am. I always wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it and it didn’t matter who else was there.

For all the things I did, I’m sorry.

Sincerely,

Walter Bean
Chief of Master Plans

I can’t remember the last time I was able to say that.

When I was in Hawaii, everyone I worked with with was married, had children, or both and no one would say, “Hey, it’s been a rough day. Lets go get a drink after work.”

It’s been almost two years since someone has said that to me. Until tonight.

Granted we stayed for less then an hour but I cannot tell you how good it felt to sit at a table with friends from work and discuss…. nothing really. Just to sit there and blather about nothing. It was awesome.

Don’t get me wrong. The friends I have are awesome and I would move the world for them. It’s just been so long since I’ve been able to go out with people and do nothing.

The feeling I have at the moment is indescribable.

It’s the closest I’ve felt the being myself in over two years.

This would be the handy work of one Betsy Fragelina, IV. I’ve taken “The Honorable” off of her title because I am so very mad at her.

She actually accomplished this one yesterday. She figured out how to climb out of her crate and, in doing so, destroyed the blinds in my living room.

Piece of advice. Measure all your windows before trying to take blinds from one window and putting them on another. It only adds to your frustration.

p.s. I’m back.

I swear I’m not doing this one on purpose.

Every-God-damned-time I get the energy to start writing on a regular basis something else happens and I’m out of contact with a computer for a stupid amount of time.

I’ll have a regular connection back again soon…. I hope.

I would love, more then anything, to be sitting here uploading pictures to show you what I’ve been up to this summer.

Alas, I am not able to because someone has moved the plastic box of randomness that contains the cord to link my camera to my computer. As it’s not as fun to sit here and describe things I’m going to have to wait. Sorry.

I can say this, and I know I’ve said it before but I mean it for real this time… I’m back. I figured today was a good day to make my comeback because it’s the first day of fall. My summer is over and I’ve got to get back to real life.

If only I could find the damn cord for my camera.

The truth is……

Liquor is quicker.

I don’t know how else to say it…

Candy is dandy….. Liquor IS quicker IS quicker.

My hiatus is near an end. I will be back next week on a schedule.